everyone that has been through nursing school knows becoming a nurse is not funny or easy. so i definitely knew breaking into the career would not be a pot of beans. i was prepared for the workload of becoming a nurse. as i write this article, my back is crying. i expected it. but no one warned me about the constant voice in my head saying,
“are you even supposed to be here?”
in honor of working for a whole month today, i’d like to tell everyone that being a nurse is weird. one minute you’re a student, asking permission to touch a patient’s chart or give medications, and the next, people actually expect you to know things. real things.
“nurse, why is my bp dropping?” or “nurse when can i start eating again after surgery?”
and somehow, all those hours of lectures and clinical postings does not make the panic in my chest feel any smaller. anytime a patient asks me a question, i almost always do a double take. like “ah, me?” but of course i can’t answer and say “oh, i’m just an intarn o, let me ask the matron” (cue the spelling of intern), so i just keep a straight face and answer the question if i’m sure, or stylishly ask the matron and give them the answer because i can’t have myself looking like i don’t know my onions to the patient, abeg.
but honestly, where i work has made things way easier. for the past month, i’ve been lucky to meet nurses that are very chill and actually respectful. they give you real authority and don’t treat you like just an intern. if you know the procedure, they let you do it. if you don’t, they teach and then allow you do yours after. no one makes you feel somehow when you’re still learning, and it’s nice to be in a place where you’re treated like you belong… for now sha, because nursing? hm.
my first posting was in the pre- and post-natal ward, and honestly it was like they brought me somewhere new and just threw me into a pan of hot oil. i was feeding babies, taking care of new mothers, and doing so much baby-related stuff that everyone on the ward started calling me nurse baby. imagine.
one day, i clocked in, and a patient i had cared for the day before started smiling the moment she saw me. she smiled so much, saying she had missed me and how i took care of her. please tell me why i almost teared up? moments like that? they make all the stress worth it.
and it’s not just in the ward. when relatives see me outside and thank me for caring for their loved ones, or just ask me how they’re doing, it hits different. because sometimes, i feel like i am just floating through, but when people remember you, when they appreciate the care you give, it reminds you that what you’re doing matters. no matter how small (it’s not small, because anything is up like this, intarnnnn).
as someone that has had a very large share of academic struggles, my confidence in what i could do had almost dropped to zero until i decided to pick myself up in 300l. so now, even after five years and a whole degree, on some days i can’t shake that familiar feeling that maybe, somehow, i don’t fully belong here.
some days, it’s fine. i clock in, do my job, and leave without overthinking every little thing. but other days? i just feel like everyone can tell i’m faking it. like i properly feel like there’s a sign on my head that says “everybody see o, this girl is still figuring it out.” imposter syndrome is very disrespectful. it will hook you and there’s nothing you can do about it.
not enough people talk about it and it’s funny, the feeling that you’re one wrong move away from being ‘outed as a fraud.’ to make it worse, i’m so guilty of downplaying my wins. i could go an entire shift without making a mistake, but instead of feeling proud, my brain just tricks me into believing i got lucky that day. it’s like my mind refuses to admit i’m actually learning and growing.
all in all, i’m really starting to realize that nobody feels ready. not the new nurses. not even the experienced ones sometimes. i’m sure nurses that have been in the profession for years clock in and see something they’ve never seen in all their years of practice. so really, everyone is just doing their best and figuring it out one patient at a time. and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, growing by doing the things that scare you.
so at this point, i’ve accepted that the voice in my head isn’t leaving anytime soon because clearly, me and imposter syndrome has signed a long term lease. but as long as my patients trust me, the matron isn’t chasing me around the ward, and i haven’t caused any major disasters, i’m fine abeg.
fake it till you make it? yes. fake it till your shift ends? absolutely. and then fake it again tomorrow because apparently, that’s how this whole nursing thing works.